Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It All Ends Here, Now! (I thought)

I now realize that breaking up indeed is never and will never be easy. That it is a long process that includes discernment, affirmation, and of course, unconditional love. Yes, one will pass through bitterness, hatred, regretting. But self-redemption and self-rebuilding, no matter how hard, is back up for grabs. The best thing to end up relationship though is absolute, proper, and complete closing.

Erick promised to write me a letter, I mean send me the final letter (I know he has prepared one for me), but as of this writing, I have not received any.

We both pondered on the best thing for both of us. I have sensed that he needed space. I have learned that he wanted total freedom to assert himself, to build his own personality, to have a "full" life of his own, to actualize himself. And as for me, though I have embodied a life with a partner, learning the kind of life I was dreaming, praying for, but also reflected to retreat, rebuild a life of my own - alone once again, and to redeem what is left for me to save, if there's any. So we finally set each other free starting March 1, 2011.

I am the one bitter, I accept that. May be because I believe I can no longer find somebody else more that or at par with him, in totality as a person. May be because I believe I finally found someone to share my whole life with, to age and to die with. But the complete peaceful reflection dawned on me after I have poured all my feelings in a letter to him last December 23, 2010. Therein I wrote:

Dear Erick,

You will always be my baby!

In the light of recent turmoil in our relationship, I would like to clear things out between the two of us. Upon your declaration of not seeing your future with me, it hurt me so bad but I understand. But when I came across your facebook stat that says “even the heart is slow to learn”, I was caught off guard. It struck me so hard; it slapped me so strong. And I really can’t believe it. I can’t figure it out how on earth would we spend more than 3 years together if love was out of the picture. It made me feel cheated, betrayed, lied, misled. It was as if I imprisoned you in my love, I enslaved you by my love, I tangled you in my arms against your will.

No. I beg to differ, Sir! It is not the heart that’s slow; it is the brain that finds reason for everything that slows the heart. I know you love me all those years. I can feel you love for me until now. What caused the problem really is because you find reason for every little thing we shared, which you confused it with love being in question. It is the brain that creates a demon inside you. When you called me up the day after the breakout and asked me what I think of that incident, I told you that it was part of checking on the status, part of evaluating our performance, part of crossing another checkpoint in our journey together as a couple. I eliminated the scene involving love because love has nothing to do with it. The way we stood up after that night and spent more nights later as if nothing happened is really a work of love – love so full of understanding, forgiveness and sacrifices.

I may be the very open-minded person. I see your predicament as a weakness in judgment. I do not question your love, no matter how little it is or how slow it can be. What I think is the problem with you is that you keep on looking, you keep on searching, you keep on seeking for more. I know I am imperfect as most person like you do. But if you want to love me, please stop looking; shut your eyes from many other things. Because for sure, given my imperfection, you will find people more attractive than me, more muscular than me, taller than me, more intelligent than me. Only when you learn to accept one’s imperfection that you will be able to appreciate his effort to be perfect.

Or maybe you were looking for freedom, which I believe I granted enough. You remain privy to some information. You continue to attend to your private, personal affairs. I respect our individuality. You keep your own group, friends, activities and I keep mine. But of course, given the concept of married life and in respect to fidelity and intimacy, our freedom has limitations. But if you’re looking for freedom to find somebody else, then it’s not me, and therefore you have to breakup with me first to avail that privilege.

I envy you to have seen the future. I am so happy-go-lucky that I did not mind what future holds for me. It is my belief that what you make for today definitely is a prelude of tomorrow; your present has a bearing of your future. Nevertheless, if I were a fortuneteller, I can see and I would say that we both will have and can build a better life together. But then again, I can not forge your future if you don’t wanna spend it with me.

You know I love you so very much. You’re the one I love. You’re the one I adore. You’re the one I live for. If this may end up leaving me alone, I would surely be empty, futile, worthless, lifeless. This is my biggest fear. This is my worst nightmare. And it hunted me day after day, night after night. I would hate you for life because that’s how long I cherish you. I don’t wanna beg for love, because I believe love is not enough to last. If there will be another chance from you for me, then don’t just love me, NEED me. As for me, I need you to stay by my side forever if it takes forever with you. That I am very willing to take care of you until our hairs turn gray, until our last breath. But as I have said, I am not a forger of your future.

This holiday season is a high time for you to think about what’s best for us. I let you make use of the times while you’re away to think and rethink the best decision you can ponder on. I want this checkpoint a thorough reality check. This checkpoint is a point of no return. I leave the right to choose whether (1) to hang on with me and move on a life together or (2) to split up and move on alone.

I expect you to come back and tell me which is which, no buts, no ifs. Remember, I trust you as I have trusted you my life for more than 3 years. I love to add more years to that if you permit.

I remain to be Cris (Tantong).

But nothing has change from March 1 onwards... We remained couple and the domestic separation is never felt. Maybe because our love is rooted to deepest layer of the earth; the unconditionality is beyond fathom.

I thank God for the kind of love He bestowed upon us both.

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