Tuesday, April 16, 2013

True Love Waits... Yes?

5th year anniversary celebration

True love sucks! Big time!

Love for real is unfair; it is always one sided. You will find yourself loving someone who cannot love you back the way you love him or a kind of love you expect him to reciprocate. But if you love that person to the depth of your heart, mind and body, then you are so willing to wait. That befell on me.

5 years later, our partnership still stands despite the many challenges
So here I am hoping, waiting and still loving unconditionally.

I happened to fall truly, madly, deeply in love with a man who's definitely gay but lives in a closet. I believe he fully embraced his gayness but he seemed to hide it from everyone he knew from work. He made it an excuse that the high school students he is teaching math would find him queer. Being a confirmed gay teacher he felt would put his integrity at risk and may subject him to children's mock and ridicule. I got it that he wanted to save his face. But hello! This is 21st century and it is common to see gay grade school or high school or college teachers. Well, ok, I did not argue on his disposition. He chose to hide his true self.

I once suffered the same closeting behaviors during my high school years when I was pressured to save my face, from my clan who knew no gay in the family, from my boy friends who kept matching me up with a girl, from the school admin who are priests and nuns, and the general public who were bucolic and found gayness a taboo. When I came to realize what I will miss if I stayed closeted, I owned my gayness, I embraced my uniqueness, I loved my girlishness. It is when I am truly me that I maximized my full potential, that I can show off exemplary performance in every thing I do.

Anent to living my true self, I was entering into same sex relationships. My first notion of relating sexually was for gay persons to choose real men. Then after couple of straight men in my life, I felt lost and wondering how unfair it had been; the world and the men towards me. But I learned much from it and think of rather loving my own self. But then comes the real one, the real feeling, the real sense of love. I really thought I already have had enough in my past. It was entirely a different world when I encountered Erick. It was surreal to love and be loved in return. I really thought I have it all with him. We have been steady for five years now, but those years were not perfect ones.

During our Tuesday coffee dates with Fabulous friends in Cubao, Quezon City

I found him to be two-timer, a staunch player, a reliable liar. I even called him to his face a user, hooker, promiscuous. I understand he's not perfect as I am. But I did not fully involve myself and my feelings with the persons I happened to flung with while we were a couple. I may not be faithful but he's unfaithfulness was beyond me. I caught him, not really caught in the act but he confessed, having a lover (mistress) in our first year and during our first attempt to live together. It broke me to the bones. I remembered that moment that I packed all my things from his place to get home. He even sent me off to ride a bus; seen him over the window crying for me. Then four hours later, in the middle of the night, he knocked on my door asking for a second chance. He declared that he chose me over that unknown Atenista. He has this passion for known-university-graduate, Ateneo in his first list, which basically means rich and hopefully brilliant. Yet, he chose me. I am not a university graduate nor rich, but I believe I am brilliant.

We finally have close encounter with our Disney character,
Winnie d' Pooh, during our Hong Kong trip

We decided to live in together and that was a very long two years. I realized how demanding it is to build a home or trying to maintain that status with your partner. It made me embrace the idea of legal separation, annulment or divorce, when two people who loved each other cannot live together forever. Such responsibility and the duty to remain a responsible partner at the same time living your own life and maintaining your separate identity has taken a great deal to each of us. We lived together for two years but we ended up choking each other with so much expectations. We decided we can no longer compromise. So we came into agreement to live a home separate from each other. I transferred to my apartment in Commonwealth, Quezon City, which fortunately near my new workplace, and he rented a room in Mandaluyong City, close to the school he's working with.

I have made up my mind that the parting really meant break up. But we kept our lines open, we met once in a while, I mean regularly at weekends. He even paid me visits at my new office. Until one day, his lover called me on my cellphone. This was his second other man. And to add insult to injury, this one was his colleague, co-HS-Math-teacher, in the school he worked. It woke me up to the truth as to why he kept me away from that school, from being introduced to his colleagues. It was because he has an affair with another Sir. All those times I thought he made it because he really lived in a closet.

During our trip to Saigon, Vietnam
I was hoping I can call it quits between us with a final declaration. Well, I already have said my goodbyes. I was brokenhearted for the second time. He owned his misdeed and apologized. I wish to counter. I wish to splatter stains on his integrity. I wish to bury his dignity to the ground. But I love him so much that to crush him down will crush me similarly. Love really is unfair, loving is never fair nor square.

But look at us, we survived; I survived. Five years had come and gone and my love for him grows every day. I have this intuition that waiting is really worth it, no matter how long it could be. That one day, same gravity of love, same degree of compassion, will be reciprocated. Day by day, I just treasure the moment that he calls and leaves with I love Yous, Hellos and Goodnites! I marvel at the text messages of love and laughs, emote icons, and the text-kisses "mwah".

Loving and hurting is indeed the two sides of the same coin! I swear I will love him no matter what!

That's me, crazy Crissy! I cannot help it...

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